My husband David and I separated a little over 2 years ago.
I found it especially traumatic, particularly as I didn’t see it coming and David left our family to go and live with another. Yeah sure we had some problems including some regular arguments which sometimes included yelling and screaming but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think we would end up going through a marriage separation, let alone conducting trench warfare in the family law system over our meagre possessions.
Aside from trying to deal with the emotional hurt I was feeling, what I was most fearful about was how our two young boys Oscar and Tyler, aged 6 and 8, would cope with such a big change in their lives? Would David and I be able to work together to provide a stable home life for Oscar and Tyler no matter in whose household they were spending time? How would my emotional heartbreak and hurt at the breakdown of our marriage translate to two young boys? These were the questions racing around in my brain.
Thankfully, I had chosen a sensible lawyer who guided me and encouraged me through parenting with what she called a “child focused approach” and as a result my husband and I were able to agree on orders by consent fairly quickly regarding parenting. I was happy that David and I were able to agree on parenting orders early as I was sure this would go a long way in avoiding any emotional trauma for the children. Boy, how wrong was I? I was about to learn a big lesson! Sometimes there are just some things that are out of your control, whether you have a sensible lawyer or not.
During our marriage David was not very hands-on where the children were concerned and it had largely been left to me to attend to all of their social and sporting activities, which I saw as a gift rather than a chore. We had fought so hard to have both of our children through IVF that every day with them was a delightful blessing to me. Since our separation, nothing changed in this regard as not once has David made any greater effort to assist with social and sporting activities with Oscar and Tyler or take the additional time to spend with them and enjoy these activities then he did during our marriage. As it turned out, this was to be the least of my worries as far as co-parenting with David was concerned!
I was about to enter a situation no one could ever really prepare for and it occurred without any warning.
At least when David was in the family home with us, Oscar and Tyler got to see him and spend time with him on their own. Now the boys only ever spent time with David in the presence of his new partner Sally and her three small children who, I learned after about a month, had been allowed and encouraged to call David “Dad” by Sally even though they had a living breathing father of their own. With each passing weekend visit with David in his new household I started to notice that our boys seemed to have a little more of their light turned off and I became anxious as to how they were doing without being intrusive. Still, I encouraged the boys to go each time and refrained from questioning them about their weekends when they returned. I did everything you would expect a well-rounded insightful parent to do except the obvious.
One day about 6 months into the parenting orders, and quite out of the blue, Tyler began to cry uncontrollably. It was a Friday morning before school leading into a weekend to be spent with David. I asked Tyler what was wrong and comforted him as best I could. Through his tears, he told me he didn’t want to go to David’s house for the weekend. I asked him why? Tyler said he didn’t like Sally, David’s partner. I ignored his comment and continued packing the school lunches all the while encouraging him for the weekend ahead. I told Tyler to run out to the car while I chased up Oscar. I called out and searched everywhere but Oscar was nowhere to be found. It was then I learned from Tyler, that Oscar was hiding rather than go to his father for the weekend.
I knew at that moment I had missed something. Something that was burning under the surface for weeks had suddenly come to the surface with the boys. What had I missed? I called David at work. We agreed to keep both boys home and David would drop around in the afternoon to see if they would go with him for their weekend.
It was then I realised that David and I had not spoken about our children since our separation, other than through our sensible lawyers. How could this be?
How could we as parents have possibly managed to co-parent our children effectively without speaking for 6 months?
Now was the time to put our differences aside for our children. I convinced myself it wasn’t too late.
David arrived and we talked for a long time about our children. Then together we talked to the boys. Both boys told us they did not like the way David and his partner yelled and screamed at each other and at them. I turned my gaze to David and tried to hide any sign of what would have been a well-earned disapproving glare from me; after all, why should I judge David when that had been our household for many years. The boys told us that they did not like that the other kids in David’s household called David “Dad”; and then the big one came! The boys did not like that Sally said mean things about them to their Dad.
David and I looked at each other and at that moment I realised our children were about to either lose their father through his pride or David was about to gain their trust.
David slowly got up on his feet and looked at his sons and said something so powerful and important to us as a family. “I’m so sorry.” They then hugged for the longest time and that was the start of a new beginning for our family.
We may not be a family in the conventional sense but we are two parents that have two children together that need us to make sensible decisions, and we will always be a family. Together, David and I set about putting in place new parenting arrangements that were in our boys’ best interests; arrangements that enriched the relationship with our children for both of us rather than persevering with arrangements that simply satisfied each parent’s sense of entitlement to have their children for the same amount of time as the other parent.
David and I learnt that it’s ok to do what suits your family and that it’s ok to be flexible.
Parenting arrangements will mean different things to different families. It is not a question about whether you have your children the same amount of time as the other parent. We learnt that time for time-sake with your children is no time at all.